Title: What if...?
Author: agent_wilson
Pairing: Wilson-centric, with some mentions of House/Wilson, House/Cuddy, Wilson/Amber, Wilson/Cuddy
Rating: pg
Summary: Ten 'what ifs' that cross Wilson's mind frequently. Prompt from house_muses.
Word Count: 2017
1. What if he had never walked into that New Orleans bar? This is something Wilson has contemplated often. Would he and House have met anyway, at some other point in time? He likes to think so, most of the time. He's never had a friend like House, a friend that he feels he has known forever, will know forever. Other times when this question crosses his mind, he curses himself for venturing out of his hotel room and down to that bar on that long ago evening. He curses himself for losing his temper, for throwing the bottle, for catching the attention of a bored diagnostician who was there drowning his own sorrows and for setting the precedent of failure in his marriages and then turning to House, of all people for support. Even then, he wants to believe it was destiny, that even if they hadn't met in that bar, under those circumstances that they would have met eventually. Even under pain of death he would never admit that to House, nor his therapist.
2. What if it had been his call, instead of Stacy's? This question nags and worries in the back of Wilson's mind every time he sees House's hand reach down to his thigh, every time he sees House wince in pain when he thinks no one is looking, everytime he watches House pop a pill. It used to be worse. When he came back from his honeymoon cut short by a frantic call from Stacy and found the damage had been done, through the long months of recovery, and the even darker times that followed when she threw in the towel and left, that question was the first thing on his mind when he woke up in the morning. It never left him during the day and at night it haunted every single dream turned nightmare. He couldn't look at either of them, everything he saw, heard, touched and felt would remind him of what had been lost and taken from House. Would he have made the same decison? Would he have chosen not to risk House's life even though the man himself was willing to do so? During the dark days that saw House struggling through PT, stoned out of his mind on painkillers, gorked enough to let more than just the physical pain show through, that heard House ask the question out loud, Wilson always felt like the world's biggest hypocrite when he would assure House he would not have authorized the surgery without his permission. As time passed though, it began to make him feel better to make believe that he wouldn't have, that he would have respected House's wishes and trusted in his judgement, but he was thankful when House stopped asking. Now, as House's medical proxy, he just hopes against hope that he will never have to make a similar call.
3. What if Tritter had won? This 'what if' had worn out its welcome just days after the judge dismissed the charges against House, but it still makes the occasional appearace when Wilson writes House yet another scrip or watches him toss back a couple of the white pills. Would they they still be in jail? Wilson has no delusions that he wouldn't have spent time in jail, Tritter would have called him to the stand if the circus hadn't been ended with Cuddy's perjury and he would have refused to testify. He knows that both he and House's medical licenses would have been revoked, and most likely never reinstated even after time served. He wonders if House realises that despite his betrayal, when push came to shove, that Wilson would have stood behind him? He doubts it and this bothers him greatly.
4. What if he had acknowledged House's 'I love you'? This what if cropped up the second he left House's hospital room. He knew the man well enough to realise those were three words that House did not utter often. He had no doubts of the sentiment behind the words, even though he could easily joke them off as being a typical Housian reaction to getting more opiates. It saddened him slightly that House felt the need to hide honest feeling behind a joke, but it was how they worked. Maybe if he had said something, had called House on those words, had even just simply said "I love you too, House" maybe something would have changed. Or House would have become angry, sullen and avoid him for days, just like he had when Wilson's only response had been to take a deep breath, purse his lips and offer a small 'hmmpf'. Wilson knows there was no right reaction, but he still tortures himself with this 'what if' on occasion.
5. What if he hadn't been called in to work the night of the bus accident? The real 'what if' here, is what if Amber hadn't died? He doesn't let himself linger here often, but he can't help think of it when he sees or hears something that Amber might have enjoyed. What if he had been home, had answered the phone and gone to pick up House? No one would have been on that bus. Amber would still be with him and there wouldn't be this wound on his and House's friendship that he feared would never scar over despite his return and their combined attempts at ignoring and moving on from the past. He would give almost anything to have House and Amber fighting over his time. That particular 'what if' has been fading, but it still hurts like hell when it crosses his mind.
6. What if House had died during the DBS? What if House died? Is really the base 'what if' that crosses his mind, but over the years he has been given specific instances to define it with. The latest being that bus accident and the following days. House had nearly died in the crash, then again from a heart attack as he tried to remember and then the DBS. He wonders if the blame he laid on House, the anger he felt after Amber's death would have been the same if House was dead too. Would he have gone through that before the incredible feelings of guilt that plagued him now when he thought of what he had asked of House? The guilt as it was now was at times overwhelming almost a year later when he would let himself dwell on it, would he have been able to live with himself if the DBS had killed House? Or would he even have felt guilty? Stupid question. Guilt was his crutch as pain was House's. If he was honest, he enjoyed misery just as much as he accused House of doing.
7. What if House's father hadn't died? Sometimes, when he is at House's watching tv, preparing a meal or when they are out on their traditional bowling night this what if strikes and leaves him a bit sick to his stomach. Would he have been able to find someway to reconcile with House had Blythe not called him with the news and requested him to please bring House to the funeral? Without that long road trip that saw House pull some of his worst antics on Wilson, would Wilson have found his way back? If he hadn't been there to hear House's heartfelt, albeit slightly insulting eulogy, hadn't seen the transformation as House realised he was more his father's son than any DNA could have made him, if House hadn't correctly diagnosed Wilson's fear and thrown it back in his face with all the maturity of a five year old, would Wilson have been granted any other opportunity to come home? Because that is what returning was, a homecoming, not just a physical one either. He doubted it. He was just as stubborn as House and had been determined to ignore House's meddling with that annoying PI he knew was stalking him thanks to a heads up from Cuddy. He always felt guilty because he honestly didn't see any other way. He tried to soothe his conscience by saying that everything happens for a purpose but that doesn't work so well when he pictures Blythe's grief stricken face and tone.
8. What if he pursued Cuddy? Occasionally, when he is sitting across from Cuddy at a board meeting, they pass in the hall, or after she walks out of his office after commiserating about yet another stunt House has pulled he finds himself wondering what would have happened if he had marched into her office and kissed her. Granted, the flowers he had received turned out to be from House, but they had got along quite well, he had enjoyed the evening and could tell she had too. Oh, they had dated again, two more times in fact. Once he took her to an art exhibit that had embarrassingly turned out to feature BDSM photographs and then she had asked him out for dinner. House had been convinced it was more of a consult, and although his orginal suspicion was wrong thankfully, he would always wonder if it had been an interview of sorts, that Cuddy was considering asking him to father her child. He wondered if he had pursued her more actively, if it would have worked out or would he be searching for another job? They were good friends, had a religion and lack of adhering to it and many common interests. His conclusion to this 'what if' always hinges on whether or not House would have approved. If he had, then maybe Rachel would be his biologically or at least by adoption. If House hadn't approved, there is no doubt in Wilson's mind, that the relationship would never have lasted.
9. What if he had had children with any of his wives? Visiting Cuddy and Rachel as often as he did these days sometimes would leave him wondering what would have happened if he had kids with any of his ex-wives? Would any of his marriages lasted at all or even just slightly longer than they had if he had a child involved? He thinks he would have stayed longer, doesn't harbour any misconceptions about not cheating though, he knows he would have done that regardless, but maybe he would have tried a bit harder to hold the marriage together. He can't imagine children with his first wife. They were practically children themselves at the time of the wedding. He cringes at the thought of neurotic Bonnie with children. She foisted Hector off so easily, would a child have been any different? Everytime he pictures Julie and child he is left with the urge to perform a clandestine DNA swab. No, he loves children and he loves Rachel, but the thought of being responsible for one leaves him breatheless and on the verge of a panic attack. He can't even keep House in line, how would he manage with a child? He has enough worries about House to keep him up at night, he doesn't need the nightmarish worries and 'what ifs' that come with a child.
10. What if House pursued Cuddy? When he thinks of the 'what if' that involved Cuddy, he can't help but follow that with this one. What if House had taken his advice? What if House could act like a mature grown up adult for once in a relationship situation and been honest with Cuddy and his feelings towards her? What if they were a couple now, where would that leave him? Would he find himself fighting for time with House like House had with Amber? Or more likely, would he have become the third spoke in their relationship wheel, both coming to him for advice on how to deal with the other? And why exactly did these thoughts of House and Cuddy together, House happy just as Wilson has wanted him to be, make him feel so jealous? Jealous not of House, but of Cuddy herself. He didn't like examining that question too closely.
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